Sunday, May 30, 2010

Cringe Girl Farts: An Open Letter to InfamousChris

Dear InfamousChris,

I noticed your tweet "Girl farts make me cringe. They're usually silent but deadly..." and I would like to take a pause from my busy and important life (hungover, in pyjamas) to try and help you understand the dilemma of girl farts.

Girl farting is often times rather traumatic. We have been trained from a young age to keep the volume at a minimal level. We are not supposed to fart. And if we do, it is expected that we emit puffs of Chanel No. 5 perfume that swirl and circulate through the air. I don't know about you, InfamousChris, but it is quite hard for my colon to recreate the odor of an infamous perfume, and sometimes my Chanel No.5 emissions are not quite as heavenly as I might wish them to be.

Picture this: InfamousChris. You are on a running machine, in a public gym. You need to fart. But you can't. It just isn't possible because you are sandwiched between two very good looking men who are running at equally impressive speeds. You urge your gas to crawl back into your stomach and perhaps wait for a better time to exit your body. But gas is often a tricky and disobedient bastard. It won't listen to you. It's leaving your body and it doesn't care about the consequences.

It slips out of your body, it is careful not to make a sound. But when it leaves, it emits a nuclear explosion of foul smelling particles. Everyone starts to sniff. Their faces become contorted. Even the sweaty woman on the spin bike on the other side of the gym has a look of disgust sweeping across her face. Everyone starts looking around for culprits. The smell lingers. You have only two options:

A) Pretend you have no sense of smell and continue reading last month's horoscopes in US Weekly

B) Mimic the faces of disgust surrounding you and pretend to look for imaginary guilty smelly fart person.

You must continue to do this until the odor has passed. This process can sometimes take up to 5 minutes. You have absolutely no chance of flirtation with either man on next door running machine. They know it's you, and they are disgusted. They will probably talk about it in the locker room when they shower.

So, InfamousChris. I hope that I have enlightened you on the many traumas that are faced by women in today's society. Sure, you might cringe. But every time you do, please look at the girl farter with compassion. It is only through acceptance that we will be able to lay the foundations of a more unified global community.


Ambassador of Girl Farters Anonymous

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