Friday, June 4, 2010


As a native of the continent of Britain, I have a lot of pride. I love the Queen. I love Hugh Grant. I went to Hogwarts and count Harry Potter as one of my best mates. Britain is a great little slice of life.

However, when I am on a treadmill (rareity) in my adopted country of Colorado, USA, and I come across this picture (to clarify this is a bride and a groom) in the great publication that is US Weekly: is unsettling that my first thought was: "5 dollars says they're British"

And you know what? Hit the nail on the head. WELSH

THANK YOU FOR LETTING US DOWN WALES. We were JUST recovering from Katie Price, Bad Teeth, and Cricket. We were EMERGING VICTORIOUSLY to be alongside the more respectable countries of Middle Earth and Disneyland, and WALES just had to go and fuck it up for all of us. NO WONDER WE DIDN'T WIN THE EUROVISION SONG CONTEST.

Apparently, according to the Telegraph, the bride describes how: "The idea just came to me. . I knew that we would go as them because Keith looks just like Shrek. It was funny because when we said our vows Keith had these green ears sprouting from the top of his head."

The idea just came to you? Where you sipping tea with Mad Hatter and smoking opium with a Caterpillar? Was this before or after you slew Puff the Magic Dragon whilst riding a magical Unicorn to Never Never Land to rescue the Lost Boys?

We will NEVER live this down. I am SO UNHAPPY. Here I was thinking that nothing could be more cringe than Heidi and Spencer and that the US was a far more cringe nation. But then all I had to do was flip the page and BAM. Britain overtakes the US!!

US: 1, Britain: 0. Fairplay US Weekly, fairplay.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Cringe Applications: The Dangers of On-the-Go Technology

Alcohol + Technology is usually a pretty fatal combination. Like Heidi and Spencer, Bobbi and Whitney, or Beans and Rice. HOWEVER. Sometimes one does not even need the Alcohol in the Alcohol + Technology equation to embarrass oneself.

Coming from a lady who could embarrass herself in the most humble, modest environments with not even as much as a swab of medical alcohol to boost her confidence, this probably isn't saying very much.

However, I am convinced that Facebook's Iphone/Ipad/Tampax/Blackberry application was designed by an evil troll out on a mission to destroy the dignity of the world.

Take the application's little space bar at the top of the screen. The little space next to the little face above the status updates. Sure, it may faintly say "What's on your mind?" and vaguely imply that it is an area to express one's ideas concerning their new status updates, however I really do not believe that it is anywhere near as clear as it should be.

How many people, due to booze, being rushed, or absent-mindedly, have actually meant to search someone (stalking via phone is particularly bad - stalking with a purpose- nothing semi-casual about it) and then bloody well set that person's name as their status?

Some people don't even realize they have done this, and spend the entire day merrily fannying about whilst their boyfriend's ex-girlfriend's name sparkles in lights on their facebook page. Nice one, jackass.

I have had the misfortune to do this twice. The first time I was very drunk, and set a girl I barely spoke to in high school's name as my facebook status whilst searching for her to ask if I could run away to Denver and live with her for a week during a fight I was having with my mother.

I believe her name was my status for a solid evening before I woke up the next day, and promptly realized that I didn't have enough money to survive a week. Thus, I swiftly made amends with my mother, and quickly removed said random Denver ex-high school colleague girl's name as my Facebook status.

The other time was somewhat more traumatizing, as I set a person I had just concluded dating as my Facebook status. This mistake I realized immediately, and ran around like Jack Bauer on 24 trying to find a bloody computer that would turn on in less than 20 minutes. I had to remove it from both my status and my history, so my phone just would not do. After scrambling around my friend's apartment for 25 minutes, deleting my status, status history, and hysterically checking if any of his friends were online to witness my downfall, I collapsed in a heap of anxiety-ridden stress. I don't know if this has ever happened to any of you out there, but let me tell you, there is nothing more tense in life than exposing yourself as a crazed facebook stalker after a break up.

One time, however, Karma smiled on me when a guy I was dating set my name as their facebook status. This made me feel very smug and self-important and should happen more often. He was also an asshole so it made me feel extra smug and self-important when the knobhead left it up for a full 18 hours before swiftly deleting it (obviously never brought it up to me, hoped I did not know). This should happen more often and makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside when it does.

So basically, I'm beseeching all of you to exercise EXTREME caution when operating facebook applications on your phones. In fact, just to be safe, I'd recommend that facebook stalking be COMPLETELY limited to actual person-laptop interactions and that no-one attempt to stalk 'on-the-go' as this can be emotionally scarring if your fingers go awry. Tread carefully fellow facebook stalkers....