Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Cringe Applications: The Dangers of On-the-Go Technology

Alcohol + Technology is usually a pretty fatal combination. Like Heidi and Spencer, Bobbi and Whitney, or Beans and Rice. HOWEVER. Sometimes one does not even need the Alcohol in the Alcohol + Technology equation to embarrass oneself.

Coming from a lady who could embarrass herself in the most humble, modest environments with not even as much as a swab of medical alcohol to boost her confidence, this probably isn't saying very much.

However, I am convinced that Facebook's Iphone/Ipad/Tampax/Blackberry application was designed by an evil troll out on a mission to destroy the dignity of the world.

Take the application's little space bar at the top of the screen. The little space next to the little face above the status updates. Sure, it may faintly say "What's on your mind?" and vaguely imply that it is an area to express one's ideas concerning their new status updates, however I really do not believe that it is anywhere near as clear as it should be.

How many people, due to booze, being rushed, or absent-mindedly, have actually meant to search someone (stalking via phone is particularly bad - stalking with a purpose- nothing semi-casual about it) and then bloody well set that person's name as their status?

Some people don't even realize they have done this, and spend the entire day merrily fannying about whilst their boyfriend's ex-girlfriend's name sparkles in lights on their facebook page. Nice one, jackass.

I have had the misfortune to do this twice. The first time I was very drunk, and set a girl I barely spoke to in high school's name as my facebook status whilst searching for her to ask if I could run away to Denver and live with her for a week during a fight I was having with my mother.

I believe her name was my status for a solid evening before I woke up the next day, and promptly realized that I didn't have enough money to survive a week. Thus, I swiftly made amends with my mother, and quickly removed said random Denver ex-high school colleague girl's name as my Facebook status.

The other time was somewhat more traumatizing, as I set a person I had just concluded dating as my Facebook status. This mistake I realized immediately, and ran around like Jack Bauer on 24 trying to find a bloody computer that would turn on in less than 20 minutes. I had to remove it from both my status and my history, so my phone just would not do. After scrambling around my friend's apartment for 25 minutes, deleting my status, status history, and hysterically checking if any of his friends were online to witness my downfall, I collapsed in a heap of anxiety-ridden stress. I don't know if this has ever happened to any of you out there, but let me tell you, there is nothing more tense in life than exposing yourself as a crazed facebook stalker after a break up.

One time, however, Karma smiled on me when a guy I was dating set my name as their facebook status. This made me feel very smug and self-important and should happen more often. He was also an asshole so it made me feel extra smug and self-important when the knobhead left it up for a full 18 hours before swiftly deleting it (obviously never brought it up to me, hoped I did not know). This should happen more often and makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside when it does.

So basically, I'm beseeching all of you to exercise EXTREME caution when operating facebook applications on your phones. In fact, just to be safe, I'd recommend that facebook stalking be COMPLETELY limited to actual person-laptop interactions and that no-one attempt to stalk 'on-the-go' as this can be emotionally scarring if your fingers go awry. Tread carefully fellow facebook stalkers....

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