As a native of the continent of Britain, I have a lot of pride. I love the Queen. I love Hugh Grant. I went to Hogwarts and count Harry Potter as one of my best mates. Britain is a great little slice of life.
However, when I am on a treadmill (rareity) in my adopted country of Colorado, USA, and I come across this picture (to clarify this is a bride and a groom) in the great publication that is US Weekly:
.......it is unsettling that my first thought was: "5 dollars says they're British"
And you know what? Hit the nail on the head. WELSH
THANK YOU FOR LETTING US DOWN WALES. We were JUST recovering from Katie Price, Bad Teeth, and Cricket. We were EMERGING VICTORIOUSLY to be alongside the more respectable countries of Middle Earth and Disneyland, and WALES just had to go and fuck it up for all of us. NO WONDER WE DIDN'T WIN THE EUROVISION SONG CONTEST.
Apparently, according to the Telegraph, the bride describes how: "The idea just came to me. . I knew that we would go as them because Keith looks just like Shrek. It was funny because when we said our vows Keith had these green ears sprouting from the top of his head."
The idea just came to you? Where you sipping tea with Mad Hatter and smoking opium with a Caterpillar? Was this before or after you slew Puff the Magic Dragon whilst riding a magical Unicorn to Never Never Land to rescue the Lost Boys?
We will NEVER live this down. I am SO UNHAPPY. Here I was thinking that nothing could be more cringe than Heidi and Spencer and that the US was a far more cringe nation. But then all I had to do was flip the page and BAM. Britain overtakes the US!!
US: 1, Britain: 0. Fairplay US Weekly, fairplay.