Sunday, May 9, 2010

The Four Falls of Cringe

Falling in public is a tale of differing degrees, and no one fall can be described without first considering the many circumstances which can serve to either alleviate or aggravate the fall in question. With all this in mind, I would like to present to you: The Four Falls of Cringe.

1. Falls with Friends

By far the best of all falls. You have company and you're strolling - strutting, in fact, when all of a sudden some awkward pavement gap sends you flying. Your friends gasp, and immediately offer to help. You jump up, and you all laugh at the sheer hilarity of the fall. You recap the events loudly, and all passers-by are merely enamoured by the endearing show of comedy achieved by the group of carefree girls embracing their flaws and demonstrating their unity. It's fine, you can shrug it off, you are so bloody fantastic walking with your equally fantastic companions that if anything, the fall should in fact enhance your shagging powers. You fly high girlfriend, you are above the fall.

2. The 'I'm not drunk' Drunk Fall

So it's 2am. And yeah, you lost count of the number of alcoholic drinks consumed and aren't even considering the bottles of wine drunk with dinner (that happened yesterday - doesn't count). You feel great. You are reveling in new found confidence and are rapidly making new friends. You are a goddess. Sure, you have mispronounced a few words and merged a few sentences together. But really, who needs consonants?

To be quite honest, it's getting rather irritating that so many kill joys have felt the need to question your sobriety. Move on, kind sir, you tell them. You are indeed sober (enough) and they clearly have some puritanical complex you'd rather not involve yourself with. You are a flaneur, strolling easily through the party, loudly proclaiming the lack of alcohol you taste in your mixed drink. When, all of a sudden, tout a coup, some sneaky little object entangles itself with your Alexander Wang heel (spring 2010 - the amazing grey leather studded boots, natch)

Yard sale. Your shit is everywhere. You find yourself on the floor, straddling extremely pointy objects, with everyone around you staring. Conversation has stopped. The air is tense. Some random asshole pipes up "I think someone should take her home". Anger takes hold. With a dash of shame.

You slowly rise like a creature from the deep. Groping objects to aid you in your journey to the upright position. "I'm not drunk guys" you say casually, "it's these shoes look at them, they are just so intense" You die inside. You can't really look around for fear that any ex, potential fling, or frenemy may have just witnessed your dramatic fall from grace. Time to go. Don't even bother saying goodbye to anyone. They'll understand.

3. The Random Solo Street Fall

You are actually sober. Probably. You aren't wearing heels. It's not that late, or that early. You are walking from A to B. Maybe walking in time with your Ipod music. You aren't with anyone, you are dreaming of dinner, thinking about what that asshole Geneiveve said in class today (you are quite frankly appalled by her lack of social etiquette), musing on some recent cat videos you saw on youtube- life is good. You cross the street, the pedestrian light is red but whatever, that car should stop for you anyway- you're in the groove of your ipod stroll, when suddenly, you miscalculate the height of the curb and fall like a plank.

The pavement is hard. The fall was fucking painful. Your Ipod is still running. You are aware that several concerned people have gathered around you but you aren't responding because Arcade Fire is still loudly blaring in your eardrums.You quickly spring up. Smile vaguely at everyone around and march rapidly to whatever corner will hide you first. You die of shame. You can't laugh out loud. You'll just look crazy. Damage control is necessary. Walk on. Don't look around. Didn't happen. Don't stop walking until you get home and above all else, KEEP YOUR FEET PICKED UP WHEN YOU WALK AN DO NOT RE-OFFEND.

4. Models Falling on the Runway

These falls are just funny for everyone. Proof that karma exists, and even the skinny, stupid, and beautiful can be brought back down to earth and thwarted with a good helping of cringe.

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