Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Cringe of the Week 5/26

I thought it was pretty bad when I pocket dial randoms while driving and singing Spice Girls numbers, but being taped while acting like a Royal (couldn't resist) douchebag is probably a little bit worse. Fergie Ferg!! How could you be so brainless? Info 4 dosh meetings are only conducted in Klingon or Pig Latin in the basement of Dumbledore's potion lab. Schoolboy error, Duchess!!

First of all. If you are in any way related to the FPR (football, politics, royalty) of England, you are fair game to be set up in extremely awkward situations that are filmed, distributed, and endlessly replayed on the BBC for weeks until Cheryl Cole gets a new hairdo, or Victoria Beckham smiles.

Just look at Sven Goran Eriksson. Svenny! Treasure of all the land! Publicly shamed! Who would have thought that such a mild-mannered sex god would be assaulted by shameless faux-sheikhs???

So Fergz, really, the fact that you have not been caught off-guard doing something embarassing (whiskey-fuelled flirtations with Prince Harry? Table Dancing at Ascot with Liz? Peeing in Albert's closet and blaming it on the dog?) is extremely surprising and you should have been counting your days of dignity as numbered.

Although I do not have direct access to Fergz phone, I should imagine that her BBM correspondence with Queen Liz after the news broke looked exactly like this:

Fergalicious - Yo Liz, dont wanna wake u but there's a bit of a sitch. Do U remember big fab party I went to last week? Well, Willz gave me far 2 many G 'N T's and got bit bladdered. Thought I woz in with this man so took him into priv. room. The Bend N Snap routine wozn't working so I offered him royal info 4 dosh.

QueenLiz4Life - Bollocks. Told u 2 stick 2 bacardi breezers. You r a shit drunk.

If I were Fergz right now, this is what I would do:

1) Ask PA to offer crap apology to press
2) Hide in bed, eat ice cream.
3) Say to myself 'at least I'm not lindsay lohan'
4) Grab a toothpick and try to dig tunnels connecting my house to Harrods.
5) Live in Food Hall until the World Cup starts.

Here is the Video: Please note Red Wine next to Duchess Fergz (essential to all cringe-related incidences)

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