Friday, May 21, 2010

Lindsay Lohan: High Priestess of Cringe

I am a strong believer in the idea that everything put on this large mass of compost we call Earth, does indeed have a purpose. Tonsils for example, I think are quite clearly God's way of telling us that we have been working far too hard and deserve to spend a week in bed with a tub of ice cream. Michael Jackson's family, as well, whilst seemingly useless, are a reminder to us all that no matter how totally insane Aunt Maggy may act after a bottle of sherry, she is in no way in the same stratosphere of crazy as the lunatic Jacko clan.

In this train of thought, I recently realized an astonishing thing. By this logic which I have so masterfully been harbouring for years, it must surely also be that Lindsay Lohan has some kind of purpose. But what on earth could that be? It might seem tough at first folks, but I think it is quite evident: Lindsay is the indicator of rock-bottom cringe. It doesn't matter whether you just woke up next to a stranger, just inadvertantly flashed the world as you changed with you curtains open, or just pocket dialled your crush while gushing about them. You will never be as cringe as Lindsay Lohan. Ever.

Why? Because Lindsay's sort of cringe is a kind that is carefully harboured over years of public embarassment. Her cringe knows no limits. She is immune to cringe. She does not even acknowledge cringe. Cringe is as part of her being as the vodka that runs through her veins, the crabs that thrive in her crotch, and the dead animals that cling to her head. Whatever cringe incident you have just endured, Lindsay has probably done five times this week infront of a much larger audience in between outbursts of queefing and drunken recitals of Mean Girls quotations.

In case you needed a reminder, here is a collection of visuals to confirm my thoughts. There are definitely worst shots out there, but I'm sunbathing right now and am beginning to feel drunk after spending five minutes looking at Lindsay Lohan images on Google. Advice: If you want to get wankered for cheap, just create a slideshow of Lindsay images and play them on the TV whilst listening to "La Cucaracha". The room will start spinning in no time.

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