Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Bathroom Cringe

Public bathrooms. One of life's little mysteries. Everyone skips in and out, footloose and fancy free. Everyone looks so normal and chipper, grooving through their day and briefly stopping to relieve their bladders in a communal stall before prancing back to their happy little lives.

Do not be fooled. If my library's bathrooms could talk, I'm pretty sure they'd reveal the ugly truth about these dirty non-flushing sharters. 

Why, fellow toilet users, is it that almost 50% of most bathrooms contain unnessecary deposits of human origin which float creepily like a poisoned dead sea creature? Is it that 80% of all public toilets genuinely don't work and will clog at the mere sight of toilet paper? Or, more likely, is it that these evil little loo abusers, are simply indulging their wanton toilet behavior in a more low key environment. 

What is scary is that, the chances are, one of us knows these bathroom bastards. We may even have shared LUNCH with them, discussed politics, or, god forbid, had DRINKS with them. They could be one of your friends, family members, or love interests. They mix amongst us, revelling in their dirty bathroom ways, laughing at us inside. 'It was ME' they all giggle viciously to themselves 'I am the reason you could not wee in stall #9 this morning'. As you still shove the memory of the strange cluster of unidentified objects lurking in the seven toilet stalls you attempted to use, they smurk cruelly at the toilets they have defaced.

I'm sure they each even have their own trademark. But, luckily for them, no-one would ever be so blatantly self-hating as to ever carry out a full investigation into these vandalizing non-flushers. 

They relish in the thought that what would be considered cringe in private domains, becomes a more acceptable en masse assault as they namelessly slink from bathroom to bathroom rendering toilets the world over unusable.

Laugh on, toilet bastards. One day I have faith that a bathroom cleaner will out the lot of you. Your days are numbered.

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