Friday, May 28, 2010

Ageing Cringe = Fading Cringe

Our society is faced with many problems (recent BP oil spill, the war in Iraq, and Heidi Montag to name a few) but perhaps one which invades my trusted news sources (US Weekly, People, Grazia, Heat) the most is the morbid inevitability of AGEING. Floppy boobs, jiggly necks, sloppy cuslopuses, no fun.

However, after going to Sex and the City 2 last night, amid the entire population of Colorado housewives, I realized that ageing might not be too bad after all, and that despite all the propaganda and sag, there is one golden victory in the world of ageing: LESS CRINGE.

Why? Well for a start, most women over 50 just could not give a flying fudgesicle. They probably have a husband and kids, and have realized that after years of being stuck with Fatty McSourpuss and his shrieking banshee children, that cringe is the least of their worries. As a result, they have found that they can often egregiously cross cringe boundaries otherwise closed off to the rest of us. In fact, they are often admired for crossing this boundary and it makes them look fun, hip, and zany.

Things that Women Over 50 Can Do That I Can't:

1. Go to the Cinema in Pyjamas (specifically a robe and slippers)

Over 50's Housewives = Girl's Night Out!! Woo!! Look at those cougars go!

Me =
What the fuck are you doing? It's 9.45pm - did you seriously just wake up? Sort your life out. You will never get a job.

2. Bring Bottles of Wine into the Cinema

Over 50's Housewives = Look at those wild little party animals go! Hope their husbands keep those little minxes on a tight leash. Wink, wink.

Me = You are a pathetic alcoholic. Get your life sorted out. You will never get a job. Even Lindsay Lohan wouldn't do that. Get out of my cinema and do not come back.

3. Sing Along to the Movie's Soundtrack While in the Cinema

Over 50's Housewives = Wow, she's still got it! She's so young at heart!

Me = Shut up. You are hurting my boyfriend's eardrums. You should be embarrassed that you know every word to Chakah Khan's "I'm Every Woman".

4. Sing "All My Single Ladies" Pantless at a Gay Wedding

Liza Minelli = Cheered, Adored, Applauded

Me = Mocked, Abhorred, Lauded. Probably blacklisted from all gay weddings and doomed to receive "are you wearing pants this time?" text messages every time I leave my house for a year.

.........Maybe ageing isn't so bad. I look forward to skipping into my 50's drunk, pantless, and singing.

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