Monday, May 10, 2010

The Cringe List: People I Should Not Text While Drunk

If BlackBerry could ever be so kind as to devise an application prohibiting inappropriate drunk texting/emailing/facebooking, I do believe that my dignity would sky rocket. However, since I am inclined to assume that the elimination of alcohol-induced texting is not on their to-do list, I have compiled a list of people I should not text as an attempt at self-regulation (which I will definitely pay no notice to)

1. My Father

Being five hours ahead of me in London, it is understandable that he does not appreciate receiving messages on his morning commute randomly detailing my grandiose life plans, asking him precisely what room he plans to put his impending child ('you shouldn't take mine, it's on the top floor, that baby would just roll right down those stairs like a BOWLING BALL') or detailing the ins and outs of my day ('I helped my boss do some stuff and then I had a PANINI! How GREAT are PANINIS?!')

2. My Ex-Boyfriend

While I am inclined to be less controlled around the Useless Worm of Lies, and often find it amusing to wind him up at any and all points of the day, for Karma's sake it is probably best that I strive to avoid text messages designed solely to piss him off (inquiring into the health of his anorexic girlfriend, mocking his lack of employment or asking him to verify his increasingly dubious sexual orientation)

3. My Professors

It is not normal to ask unnecessary questions regarding the class curriculum after 1am. It will not help my grade.

4. My Boss

It is not kosher to preemptively assume that I will be too hungover to work the next day and imply the possibility of a bout of 12.30am food poisoning as to my reason for probably not being at work the next day. It does not aid my future employment prospects

5. Romantic Interests

Misspelt messages containing bold, aggressive, flirtatious material are not sexy. basically that just leaves my friends. who are probably at a nightclub behaving inappropriately or texting one of the above people.

My dignity is doomed.

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