Saturday, July 31, 2010

Your Dignity Will Take a Beating When You Are Tequila Tweeting!

GOD BLESS the noughties for the ever expanding platform it has provided us for total humiliation. Gone are the days when you can only wax lyrical about the flaws of your ex-boyfriend whilst dolefully nursing a bottle of Vodka infront of a paused rerun of Friends while your best friend kindly pretends to listen while texting a waiter she has a crush on.

NO. Why LIMIT the vastness of your alcohol-fuelled enlightenment to JUST plain old lifelong friend Lucy-from-London when you can BROADCAST these extremely moving, powerful, and lifechanging snippets of sage wisdom to the ENTIRE WORLD!

Why, wouldn't Great Aunt Anne who logs on to facebook after her 11am crumpet just LOVE to know the sexual shortcomings of your ex-boyfriend? And wouldn't your father just be so completely overjoyed to be alerted that you have given up on men and are advertising yourself as a guinea pig for lesbianism (incase you've just spent your adult life accidently chasing the wrong sex?)

I think that it is perfectly obvious that the noughties has taught us that YES, YES AND YES. Without a doubt, every little moment of Margherita Monday ("Going to Margherita Monday With the Girls!"..."At Margherita Monday With the Girls!"...."5 Margherita's Later and Still Going Strong With the Girls!..."Their izzznt anny tickeela in my MaRGRITA!"..."WHY R MEN SO SHIT?"..."BRIAN WHYYYY DONT YOU LOVVVEEE MEE") should, quite rightly, be recorded and published in a public forum.

God Bless Twitter. And God Bless Twitter TWOFOLD for allowing us to humiliate ourselves infront of complete strangers, celebrities, and world leaders. And, even better, for those of us who might recoil the next day at our tequila infused cyber escapades and actually try and remedy the situation...nice try ALCY! Twitter so helpfully sticks the dagger in "Delete this post? There is no UNDO"

Suck it up my depressed damsel-in-sick-mess. There is no undo. Hold your head high and embrace the fleeting moments of clarity you had the evening before. Maybe you were onto something in the first place*.

So, for some guidance on Tequila Tweeting, I have compiled a list of inspirational tweets. If you are going to do it, you may aswell do it right:

1. Try and remember the most embarassing and private thing your ex boyfriend told you and work it into a tweet. Casually. If he also has twitter- include him! Don't want him to miss out on the fun!

EG: Watching a tv show about herpes! Looks nasty! Never realized how traumatic that must have been for you @StudlyStewart

2. Why not try being completely inappropriate with a bloke you barely know, yet religiously stalk? Sexual advances via Twitter are SO irresistable! And not even remotely stalkerish/ scary/ mental patient!

EG: Planning my wedding with @hothenry! He hasn't proposed yet but the twinkle he had in his eye this morning when I saw him showering in his bathroom when I was casually straining my neck out of my parent's bedroom told me that a ring is IMMINENT!

3. Why not try and bitch about your work/work day/ boss/ desk buddy? They will totally take it as a joke. Sarcasm is best delivered via the internet.

EG: At work with @dulldiane, sorry I mean @dynamitediane! Just had a great meeting- noone knows I'm still drunk!

4. Find your exboyfriend's new girlfriend and offer her sage advice.

EG: Your boyfriend is the sweetest @babycakes69! Thanks for loaning me him last night! He's still in good working condition and his herpes has cleared up! hurrah!

*Probably not though. You alcoholic goon

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